Life as of late...

It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here, that I'm not sure where to start. Lets see......on the 27th of August the boys moved into their dorm room, and a week later my best friend moved to Minnesota. It has been a struggle to say the least. I've had some pretty bad bouts of depression, but I'm pushing through it. I know that as time goes, this free time that I have will be something that I enjoy. Honestly though...at times I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart...in my life. I even think I've went through some mourning stages....sadness, anger...now it's just learning to accept and getting back to living.

I never thought I'd miss the noise of the TV always being on at obnoxious levels of loudness, the shouting during their Xbox gaming....just the all in all ruckus that's in your day to day life when you have kids. Boy I really miss all of that....I find that I turn on the TV now just to have the noise...and I don't really like the TV! The boys were able to come home the first couple of weekends and I couldn't wait to see them, I'd cry during the week, I'd cry when I see them, then I'd cry when they'd leave...uugghh I've been such a mess!! Brandon's dog Kula even gets depressed when they leave. She recovers quickly though and it only lasts about a day or so, I wish I could say the same for me.

I think I've always had this grand idea that when the boys left for college that my best friend and I would be able to pal around a lot more...more road trips...rock and gem shows...beach trips...just more time together. We really were attached at the hip....so much so, my parents call her their daughter and my boys call her their 2nd mom. She just lived up the hill from me and though there were some days that we didn't see each other...I knew that she was just a hop, skip and a jump away if I ever needed her. We still talk quite a bit...I still call her on my breaks at work, and we talk a few nights during the week, but it's just not the same. I miss our late coffee nights sitting in the Starbucks parking lot sipping on our drinks, people watching and just bs'ing about anything and everything. I just miss her!

Friends and family have been great....all being very supportive and trying to find ways to bring me out of the depression, or giving me helpful articles on how to cope when your kids go to college. It's funny because you never really realize how wrapped up in your kids' lives you are until they're gone. Then all of a sudden there's nothing...well not "nothing" but you get the picture. What was the norm is gone and everything foreign is in it's place. I've been trying to think of things that I put off when I started my family....things that I've always wanted to do, but couldn't because I had kids....I haven't really found anything yet, but I'm sure as the fog lifts those things will come to light.

Things have gotten better though, I'm not crying as often, and I'm even starting to work in my studio again. Just a little at a time but that's definitely proof that I'm heading in the right direction! I'll be driving up to the University on Friday to see the boys and to take them to dinner. I'll smother them in hugs, kisses and I love you's and after a couple of hours say goodbye again. I'll memorize every new whisker on their chin and notice again how much more they're looking like men rather than the young boys that left home just a month ago. Instead of thinking about the quiet home that I'll be going back to, I'll think about how proud I am of them and how blessed I feel to be their mom. Now that'll be a step in the right direction!

Staying Positive and Being Thankful

At a time where the economy is low, and where money seems to being going out more than it's coming in...it can be difficult to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. For me, I'm being inundated with not only household bills, but upcoming graduation and college tuition costs. I need to line up my boys' Senior photos, plus order their cap and gowns and just those few things are right around $1000 for both of them. For college, I'm looking at close to $75,000 a year combined. And though the thought of all of those expenses can get me spiraling down into a nasty depression I still look at all of the things that I'm thankful to have. Like, the roof over my head, the cars that we drive, the job that I have, my pets, and so many other things, that I really have no right feeling down when there are plenty of others around the world don't even have that.

I was actually just talking to my mom about this...and telling her how thankful I am that I have my home...and how thankful I am that they have enough bedrooms in their house just in case I one day need to live there again! We both had a good laugh at that one, but all joking aside, I do have other resources if things were to go severely sour.

So how does one keep from getting so depressed when their being flooded with everyday bills, etc.? I had someone tell me once, "Why worry what you can't control? You're doing the best that you can and that's all that you can do...so don't sweat the small stuff...be happy in knowing that you are doing the best that you can."

You're probably thinking "easier said than done"! Believe me that's the same thing I was thinking when that friend of mine told me that little tidbit, but if you think about it, it's completely true. Plus I'm a firm believer in "Your thoughts attract" and I've put the latter to the test and it's definitely made me a believer! When I'm completely stressed out about money, it never fails that all of a sudden I get more unexpected bills or expenses...and it just keeps going and going...a vicious cycle so to speak. BUT, the second I say screw it...things will work out (the trick is to really believe it), everything does work out....don't ask me how, they just do.

This is where the verse from the song Tubthumping comes in....

"I get knocked down, but I get up again....never gonna keep me down"

I swear it's my new motto!

Don't get me wrong...from time to time I do wallow in the crap that overwhelms me (my pocketbook) but what I mentioned above helps me put things back into perspective! Walk away from the T.V. when all they're talking about is the down slide of our economy...it'll just depress you more. Instead, spend some time thinking about the things you do have, give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up. At the end of the day, if you can say that you've done the best that you can....then really that's all that you can do! Be happy with it...you'll get through it, we all will!