Monday, December 6, 2010

Can I wake up now?

I've been away and feel like I'm in a nightmare that won't end. Life has thrown some serious curve balls this way and well I don't know anymore...I don't know which way is up, down, left, right...all I can say is thank the Goddess for auto-pilot mode.

As for the curve balls...well my dad was feeling really sick, problems breathing so my mom took him to the doctors. Next thing I know the physician is calling me asking me if I can come down and convince my dad to go to the hospital. After rushing down there he reluctantly agreed to go. He was in the emergency room for an hour when they told him they'd have to transfer him to another hospital. They said he had pneumonia, but they also believed that he had a heart attack and he needed to see a specialist. So I packed up my mom and rushed to meet my dad at the other hospital. They of course did a series of tests and indeed he had had a heart attack -- but they saw something else so they needed to do a CT scan. They found a mass in his lung and after having a PET scan they've determined that the mass is a malignant tumor - lung cancer.

During all of this my Aunt (my dad's sister) is having a battery of tests done as well because she's been in a lot of pain and she doesn't know why. Her results came back after dads and she has stage 4 liver cancer, they've given her 6 months. Dad keeps asking me what "stage 4" means. It saddens me because each time I answer I can see it sink in a little bit more. so sad.

Needless to say our families have been turned upside down. My mom isn't sleeping because every time my dad moves she's wide awake with fear that he's going to suddenly die. I'm just trying to be strong for them. I don't know what else to do. I don't even feel like I'm attached's like I'm floating...just going with the motions of day to day life. I don't show my emotions to my family...I can't. I have to be the strong one.

Will someone wake me up please?