It's been awhile since I've posted anything on here, that I'm not sure where to start. Lets see......on the 27th of August the boys moved into their dorm room, and a week later my best friend moved to Minnesota. It has been a struggle to say the least. I've had some pretty bad bouts of depression, but I'm pushing through it. I know that as time goes, this free time that I have will be something that I enjoy. Honestly though...at times I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart...in my life. I even think I've went through some mourning stages....sadness, anger...now it's just learning to accept and getting back to living.
I never thought I'd miss the noise of the TV always being on at obnoxious levels of loudness, the shouting during their Xbox gaming....just the all in all ruckus that's in your day to day life when you have kids. Boy I really miss all of that....I find that I turn on the TV now just to have the noise...and I don't really like the TV! The boys were able to come home the first couple of weekends and I couldn't wait to see them, I'd cry during the week, I'd cry when I see them, then I'd cry when they'd leave...uugghh I've been such a mess!! Brandon's dog Kula even gets depressed when they leave. She recovers quickly though and it only lasts about a day or so, I wish I could say the same for me.
I think I've always had this grand idea that when the boys left for college that my best friend and I would be able to pal around a lot more...more road trips...rock and gem shows...beach trips...just more time together. We really were attached at the hip....so much so, my parents call her their daughter and my boys call her their 2nd mom. She just lived up the hill from me and though there were some days that we didn't see each other...I knew that she was just a hop, skip and a jump away if I ever needed her. We still talk quite a bit...I still call her on my breaks at work, and we talk a few nights during the week, but it's just not the same. I miss our late coffee nights sitting in the Starbucks parking lot sipping on our drinks, people watching and just bs'ing about anything and everything. I just miss her!
Friends and family have been great....all being very supportive and trying to find ways to bring me out of the depression, or giving me helpful articles on how to cope when your kids go to college. It's funny because you never really realize how wrapped up in your kids' lives you are until they're gone. Then all of a sudden there's nothing...well not "nothing" but you get the picture. What was the norm is gone and everything foreign is in it's place. I've been trying to think of things that I put off when I started my family....things that I've always wanted to do, but couldn't because I had kids....I haven't really found anything yet, but I'm sure as the fog lifts those things will come to light.
Things have gotten better though, I'm not crying as often, and I'm even starting to work in my studio again. Just a little at a time but that's definitely proof that I'm heading in the right direction! I'll be driving up to the University on Friday to see the boys and to take them to dinner. I'll smother them in hugs, kisses and I love you's and after a couple of hours say goodbye again. I'll memorize every new whisker on their chin and notice again how much more they're looking like men rather than the young boys that left home just a month ago. Instead of thinking about the quiet home that I'll be going back to, I'll think about how proud I am of them and how blessed I feel to be their mom. Now that'll be a step in the right direction!